TOOL NEWSLETTER

MAY, 2017 E.V.

IN MEMORIAN ORIGINAL TOOLARMY WEBSITE

It‚Äôs back… Well, sort of. Since there is still no dedicated section for ‚Äònewsletters‚Äô on the current Toolband website, rather than attempting to decipher the sub-plot of the Emoji Movie or spackling all the holes in Blackburn, Lancashire, I thought it might be best to torment ToolArmy members with some non-Tool related verbose (some choice ramblings that I‚Äôm sure have been sorely missed… Mwahahaha!).

When the original ToolArmy website was first launched, it was well ahead of its time. No apologies need be offered, but you could even make a case that, in some ways, it was the forerunner of today‚Äôs social media. Now that it‚Äôs gone, I can only hope that certain hidden pages didn‚Äôt get lost in the transfer process. I can think of one such secret feature that I saw once, but then could never find again in over 15 years of searching (and, no, I‚Äôm not talking about the link triggered by the floating magenta dot). If anyone has this, how about sharing?

The Fullscreen Direct people have told me that a newsletter section will soon be added, along with the 17 years (!) of archived essays that were located after the initial transfer. Okay, let‚Äôs wait and see. In the meantime, there are a few more things that I would like to say about the old site just to set the record straight. First of all, in the credits section (or what ever they called it), where I was referred to as ‚ÄúSatan‚Äôs Little Helper‚Äù, I can tell you that this was definitely not my idea. Rather, it was the jesting of a certain contributor of the site who was a big fan of ‚ÄúThe Simpson‚Äôs‚Äù and their ‚ÄúSanta‚Äôs Little Helper‚Äù character. Even so, when this person asked me if this ‚Äòdark‚Äô appellation was okay, I replied that I really didn‚Äôt care either way (even though I was already getting guff for it from some readers).

As a pillar of the community in Sin City, I don‚Äôt consider myself to be a Satanist ‚Äì at least one as defined by the ideological beliefs in the Xtain faith, whether a Fundie, Proddy, Holy Roller, Quaker, Shaker, Chick-fil-A Maker, or Mackerel Snapper. I don‚Äôt even have a Papa Smurf tattoo, let alone sewn on goat‚Äôs horns. With the invention of ultra-sonic pest devices, frankly, the whole thing seems kind of irrelevant. I mean, what does a Satanist even do besides try to conjure up Beelzebub‚Äôs dimmer cousin with a dog-eared paperback copy of the ‚ÄúNecronomicon‚Äù in order to score some shitty Cloud-9? Now, if by ‚ÄúSatan‚Äôs Little Helper‚Äù they meant that I was the adversary of theological confusion in organized religion; well then, at the risk of mopping up after glow-parties for the rest of eternity, I‚Äôm all in (until a Planck instant before that perfect day).
ToolArmy members often accused me of deleting their membership accounts.

I can honestly say that ‚Äì even with all of the terribly negative things that some gnashgabs (to use the parlance of our time) have said about myself and others ‚Äì I NEVER once gave negative karma or deleted anyone from the site, even though it was just a keystroke away (Yep, that‚Äôs how lazy I am!) Sure, Zed was once expunged for several hours, but this was just an accident by ‚ÄúMerch‚Äù fooling around with the admin controls, and Zed was quickly reinstated to full-feathered glory.

Speaking about TA karma, I remember going to many meetings with the programmers and such in which some of us were attempting to redesign the next ‚ÄúCollective‚Äù site. One of the features that I still recall pertained to those starfish mouths and all their (no accountability) message board mischief (yes, when it worked like a well-oiled dream). Rather than being banished for good, there was going to be some type of ‚Äòcorrectional‚Äô phase. The offender would be sent to TA ‚ÄòHell‚Äô, where he or she had zero membership privileges for a pre-determined time period… OR, until they proved themselves worthy of residing in the community by having to compose a number of messages with heart-felt sentiments as to the errors of their ways to high-ranking members, who, in turn, voted them back into the next lowest level. Redemption!

Now, I know what you‚Äôre thinking: Could they still purchase TA merchandise while confined to their hellish level? The answer is ‚Äúabsolutely‚Äù, although they would have to pay an extra amount for these items. (We called this a ‚Äúnegativity tax.‚Äù) Anyway, obviously none of these ideas ever came to fruition ‚Äì Mexico wasn‚Äôt going to pay for it - and none of the band members were aware of our ideas ‚Äì mostly conceived of while having rounds at the pub… but I thought it best that you know what might have been.

Regarding the current Tool website: First of all, I had nothing to do with the design or any part of it, for that matter, so no kudos please. I am just the writer and content manager, and nothing more (same as with the last site). After a brief tutorial the site just appeared one fine morning. At first I couldn‚Äôt get anything to work, but after sending a screen shot of the admin controls, my knowledgeable contact at Fullscreen Direct realized that my browser wasn‚Äôt up to date. That problem solved… well, as you can see. Pardon my lack of digital argot, but the backend of the new site contains many ‚Äòadvanced‚Äô features that will come into play at some point. (Hopefully, there will be a lengthy tutorial before that time). Therefore, stay tuned for an exciting experience. (Again, when the time comes.)

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