Undertow

I don't want to be hostile. I don't want to be dismal. But I don't want to rot in an apathetic existance either. See I want to believe you, and I want to trust and I want to have faith to put away the dagger. But you lie, cheat, and steal. And yet I tolerate you. Veil of virtue hung to hide your method while I smile and laugh and dance and sing your praise and glory. Shroud of virtue hung to mask your stigma as I smile and laugh and dance and sing your glory while you lie, cheat, and steal. How can I tolerate you. Our guilt, our blame, I've been far too sympathetic. Our blood, our fault. I've been far too sympathetic. I am not innocent. You are not innocent. No one is innocent. I will no longer tolerate you. Even if I must go down beside you. Because, No one is innocent.

It took so long to remember just what happened. I was so young and vestal then, you know it hurt me, but I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive even if signs seem to tell me otherwise. I've got my hands bound, my head down, my eyes closed, and my throat wide open. Do unto others what has been done to you. I'm treading water, I need to sleep a while. My lamb and martyr, you look so precious. Won't you come a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you. I need you to feel this, I can't stand to burn too long. Released in this sodomy. For one sweet moment I am whole. Do unto you now what has been done to me. You're breathing so I guess you're still alive even if signs seem to tell me otherwise. Won't you come just a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you. I need you to feel this. I need this to make me whole. There's release in this sodomy. For I am your witness that blood and flesh can be trusted. And only this one holy medium brings me piece of mind. Got your hands bound, your head down, your eyes closed. You look so precious now. I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this shit blood and cum on my hands. I've come round full circle. My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

There's a shadow just behind me, shrouding every breath I take, making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. Waiting like a stalking butler who upon the finger rests. Murder now the path called must we just before the son has come. Jesus, won't you fucking whistle something but the past and done? Why can't we not be sober? I just want to start this over. Why can't we drink forever. I just want to start things over. I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave, I will work to elevate you just enough to bring you down. Trust me. Mother Mary won't you whisper something but what's past and done. Trust me. I want what I want.

My compassion is broken now. My will is eroded, and my desire stolen and it makes me feel ugly. I'm on my knees and burning. My piss and moans are the fuel that set my head on fire. So smell my soul burning. I'm broken, looking up to see the enemy. I have swallowed the poison you feed me... but I survive on it, and it leaves me guilt fed, hatred fed, weakness fed.. and I feel ugly, and dead inside. Shit adds up at the bottom. You've left me no choice but to go inside and rebuild what's broken. Too much, too far, too late to lie down now. I must arm myself to fight you by making weapons out of my imperfections. It's all I have left. There's no other choice. I'm shameless, nameless, nothing, and no one now. But my soul must be iron for my fear is naked. I'm naked and fearless. But I'm dead inside. You see.. shit adds up, now I'm dead inside. Hatred, weakness, and guilt keep me alive at the bottom.

You crawled away from me. Slipped away from me. I tried to keep a hold, but there was nothing I could say. You slid and crept away and there was nothing I could say. So what you're trying to say is you don't wanna play. But what you want and what you need doesn't mean fuck to me. Because I can see your back is turning. If I could I'd stick the knife in. This is love. This is my love for you. Get up. Now. Say you won't go.

My warning meant nothing. You're dancing in quicksand. Why don't you watch where you're wandering? Why don't you watch where you're stumbling? You're wading knee deep and going in. And you may never come back again. This bog is thick and easy to get lost in when you're a stupid, dumb ass, belligerent fucker. I hope it sucks you down. Wander in and wandering. No one even invited you in. But still you stumble in stumbling. So suffocate or get out while you can. No one told you to come. I hope it sucks you down.

Gone under two times. I've been struck dumb by a voice that speaks from deep beneath the cold black water. It's twice as clear as heaven, and twice as loud as reason. It's deep and rich like silt on a riverbed and just as undisturbing. The current's mouth below me opens up around me. Suggests and beckons all while swallowing. It surrounds and drowns and sweeps me away. But I'm so comfortable... Too comfortable. shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up you're saturating me. So how could I let this bring me back to my knees again again again under for the third time. I've been baptized by your voice. It screams from deep beneath the endless water. And it's half as high as heaven and half as clear as reason. It's cold and and black like silt on the riverbed. But I'm so comfortable. Far too comfortable. Why don't you kill me, I'm weak and numb and insignificant, and I'm back on my knees. Lost in euphoria. I'm back down. I'm in the undertow. I'm helpless and awake in the undertow. I'll die within your undertow. It seems there's no other way out of this undertow. Euphoria.

Get up and free yourself from yourself. Locked up inside you, like the calm beneath castles, is a cavern of treasures that no one has been to. Let's go digging. Bring it out to take you back in. You won't do what you'd like to do. Lay back and let me show you another way. I'll kill what you want me to, take what's left and eat it. Take all or nothing. Life's just too short to push it away. Take it all. Take it all in. All the way in. Let it go. Let it go in. You won't feel what you'd like to feel. Lay back and let me show you another way. If you knock me down I'll come back running, knock you down, it won't be long now All the way in. All the way. Take it up higher. 4 degrees warmer. Give in now and let me in. You'll like this in Don't pull it out. It brings us closer than dying and cancer and crying. Come on. You can take it all. Just like that.

Here comes the water. All I knew and all I believed are crumbling images that no longer comfort me. I scramble to reach higher ground, some order and sanity, or something to comfort me. So I take what is mine, and hold what is mine, suffocate what is mine, and bury what's mine. Soon the water will come and claim what is mine. I must leave it behind, and climb to a new place now. This ground is not the rock I thought it to be. Thought I was high, and free. I thought I was there divine destiny. I was wrong. This changes everything. The water is rising up on me. Thought the sun would come deliver me, but the truth has come to punish me instead. The ground is breaking down right under me. Cleanse and purge me in the water.

And the angel of the lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place of slumber. And took me on high, and higher still until we moved to the spaces betwixt the air itself. And he brought me into a vast farmlands of our own midwest. And as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from the soil. One thousand, nay a million voices full of fear. And terror possessed me then. And I begged, "Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?" And the angel said unto me, "These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots! You see, Reverend Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day and to them it is the holocaust." And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat like the tears of one million terrified brothers and roared, "Hear me now, I have seen the light! They have a consciousness, they have a life, they have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers!" Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah? Thank you Jesus. Life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on........ This is necessary. It was daylight when you woke up in your ditch. You looked up at your sky then. That made blue be your color. You had your knife there with you too. When you stood up there was goo all over your clothes. Your hands were sticky. You wiped them on your grass, so now your color was green. Oh Lord, why did everything always have to keep changing like this. You were already getting nervous again. Your head hurt and it rang when you stood up. Your head was almost empty. It always hurt you when you woke up like this. You crawled up out of your ditch onto your gravel road and began to walk, waiting for the rest of your mind to come back to you. You can see the car parked far down the road and you walked toward it. "If God is our Father," you thought, "then Satan must be our cousin." Why didn't anyone else understand these important things? You got to your car and tried all the doors. They were locked. It was a red car and it was new. There was an expensive leather camera case laying on the seat. Out across your field, you could see two tiny people walking by your woods. You began to walk towards them. Now red was your color and, of course, those little people out there were yours too.